Last night my friend Reverend Voodoo asked me a question, “Do you believe it’s your responsibility to improve the world?” And I replied with a sarcastic, “Fuck no!” Then he called me the “partially agreeable Geoff.” The point behind this seemingly insignificant exchange is that he believed that I was serious, which got me to thinking. Here’s a guy I’ve known for at least 8 years, and yet he doesn’t really know me. In all honesty, we haven’t spent much time hanging out, but what I realized is that I expect that people know how I think. The other thing that really got to me was my sarcastic response. When I was younger, I would have given a real answer.
Somewhere while growing older, I seem to have lost myself. I have grown more cynical, and through this cynicism I don’t express myself honestly. I don’t say what I mean and yet I expect others to innately understand me. It’s so silly that such a simple exchange with Voodoo could open the road to this understanding. Especially, when I had a wonderful woman hinting at it to me over the last 2 years. She would tell me that she couldn’t tell what I was thinking or how I felt. And I’d tell her I’m not too difficult to understand and call myself a simple man, etc. In short, unknowingly, I lied. I am difficult to read. Over the years I’ve grown this callous, leathery outer shell that dissembles who I really am. How long Pepper tolerated me is a testament to her capacity to love.
This protective shell, both my Brother and Father have described to me. They both have different examples but they share the same point. There was once a time when I could walk into a room of strangers or paddle out around people I didn’t know and in short time become friends with all of them. I’m no longer that way. I’m too protective and end up being more of a wall flower, not sharing what I have to offer as a person. I don’t know what change this in my personality, adolescence, puberty, but it’s something I want changed back. Regaining the self I once was. I don’t yet know the reason behind these insecurities and social anxieties. I think they do make it difficult for people to talk to and approach me and I want to change that in myself.
To actually answer Voodoo’s question. No, I do not believe that it is my responsibility to improve the world. My responsibility ends at my skin. I need to improve myself and become a better person. I need to treat everything I see with respect, honor, honesty, compassion, love, dignity, approval, acceptance, warmth, flexibility, etc, because everything is a reflection of me, as it all is to itself. Being that I am the sea, worms, all people and everything, and everything is me, the betterments that I create within myself do in fact, innately, improve the world. This hasn’t been, but it needs to be, a constant refinement in myself.
It’s time to get back to aikido, zazen, poetry, reflection, and openness.
