I’m starting to realize that I don’t give myself enough time to think, feel and experience. I’ve become disconnected from life. I’m in this pattern of waking, then driving, then working, then driving, then eating, then drinking, then sleeping. The mediocrity of it all leaves me drained, depressed and disconnected. Disconnected to the point that I rarely speak and I’ve begun to fear interactions with people that are unfamiliar to me. I’ve ceased to actively engage life. This has become more and more apparent to me now that my spice, the one aspect of my life that was vibrant and rejuvenating, has gone.

The time has come for new patterns to emerge. Earning a decent salary is not the most important thing in the world. I proved this to myself when I was working at the deli, barely making any money. Yet, I felt more circular happiness then than I have ever felt in my adult life. I think it was because that job returned time to me. I could leave and not have to commute or think of the work. Most afternoons were mine, I could read, write, and contemplate at coffee shops or wherever. I had begun to feel fulfilled. I had begun to break away from linear thought. I had begun to be creative. I need to find that roundness and fluidity again. My reoccurring patterns are broken. I’m tired of this robotic life. Something needs to change.

Give me the hurt, the sorrow, the pain.
Reset happiness and break patterns.
A new road needs to be paved.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 6th, 2006 at 4:21 pm and is filed under journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.